The Subtle Knife

It is usually a song that does it
Perhaps Ed Sheeran
The strum of the guitar
His voice urgent, imploring
“Give me love like never before
Cause lately I’ve been craving more.”

That brings the sudden
Overwhelming rush of feeling
The aching wistfulness
The profound sense of loss
For something I never had
Or perhaps now is lost.

My memory is not
A reliable narrator
When it comes to
My youth, that imagined golden season
Of whom I used to be, vibrant, alive.

A deep sadness stabs my soul
It is a physical pain
Compressing my heart
Momentarily stealing my breath
Bringing the sting of tears to my eyes.

Followed by vulnerability
Shaky, that my sense of reason
My just-moments-ago
State of calm
Has been so easily washed away
Hijacked.  Again.

You would think that I would just
Remove this music from
My daily playlist
Insulate myself
Put on my emotional armor
Or at least turn the damn volume down.

But to feel nothing
To envision a future that is only
Flat, empty, gray
Devoid of the possibility of future joy
No hope for the return of passion
No return to my essential me.

Frightens me much, much more
Than this bittersweet pain ever could.

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