Blue Christmas

Waves of sadness

Can still overtake me

The silent tears

Rolling down my cheeks

Into the neck of my sweater

An endless supply of water

In a time of drought

These downpours

Were not forecast

They are capricious

Unpredictable


At times

My chest aches

My head pounds

My limbs are heavy

I am reminded of the

Commercial tagline

“Depression hurts”

It does indeed

As though a small

Angry animal

Is trying to gnaw its

Way out of my heart


Tears are not

Unheard of for me

This time of year

I have wept many a

Christmas Eve

While listening

To “A Christmas Carol”

Loving Dickens’ language

While wracked with the type

Of guilt only a mother

Who does not spend

Christmas Eve or

Christmas morning

With her children

Can feel


It is a week

Before Christmas

And I am unprepared

In every way

I do not listen to cheerful

Holiday music

I do not sit in the glow

Of colored lights

The season and my mood are

A stark mismatch

I know that I should

Be counting my blessings

Be grateful for my first

World problems

But this depression

Is a pitbull with a juicy bone

And does not want to let go


At times I am paralyzed

Stuck, unmotivated

Trapped inside

My own head

My heart depleted

Greedy, a black hole

Nothing seems able to fill it

For more than a few moments


Even if I were good

At asking for help

I don’t even know

What I’d ask for

Even I don’t know what

I need

What can ease

This blue, blue Christmas?

5 thoughts on “Blue Christmas

  1. I often wonder how I would feel if my adult children were to be part of my life now. Five consecutive years of no Christmas’s together. I’ve grown to love and appreciate my man’s daughters, ages 20 to 29. And yet….and yet.

    Sending sweet and tender thoughts to you. Your writing touches.

    Like

    1. Thank you! I am still adjusting to the idea that I might be talented. I have this deep fear that I am going to wake up some morning and have nothing left to say. So I am writing as much as I can now, whenever a thought passes through my mind that I want to latch onto.

      Like

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