Unspoken

i tried to type the words

on the screen

but the backspace key

seemed to have a mind of its own

and kept deleting the text

 

i tried saying the words

out loud

but they froze in my throat

before melting away

 

i have spent  a

lifetime

believing that the most

blasphemous words

in the English language

that I could ever say were

vulnerable

need

fragile

help me

don’t leave

 

i have never

allowed my traitorous

tongue to admit

weakness

frantically trying to

convince everyone

including myself

that I am invincible

 

zealously defending

and protecting a heart

strong as steel

deep as the ocean

battered and dented

delicate as glass

burying it so deeply

that it would take an

archeologist

to unearth it

 

i ignore that i have body

that I am flesh and bone

that I am blood and sweat

that I am curves and edges

heartbeat and sighs

my sanity has depended at times

on my ability to float out of my body

and onto the ceiling

until danger has passed

 

i am raw and humbled

before you

weary and bruised

brought to my knees

i am vulnerable

i am fragile

i am breaking

cracking at the seams

into a thousand brightly

colored shards

and it is killing me to ask you to

reach out your hand and

help me up

 

 

 

 

 

Drowning

i am woman in a large

glass box

that is slowly

but steadily

filling with water

covering my feet

my ankles

my knees

 

padlocks of my

own design

keep me trapped

in this watery prison

the opaque panels

block me from view

murals painted with

images of my placid

face doing routine things

deceive the world

 

inside the box

the water

has reached

my hips

my waist

this water has weight

has heft

presses against me

locks me in place

 

speakers outside the box

play my prerecorded voice

soft and calm

lulling the audience

while the water the soothing

temperature of my bath

continues to rise

covers my chest

suffocates me

 

part of me fights

struggles to break free

longs for fresh air

longs for the light

part of me is tired

so very very tired

how easy it would be

to just let go

relinquish myself to

the darkness

 

the clock is ticking

as the water rises

dangerously high

up to my shoulders now

my voice will soon be gone

can I pull a Houdini

or will I drown

in this unholy

flood of my tears

my blood

my liquid pain?

Haunting

there was no comfort

to be found this night

in the still quiet

although it often

enveloped her

like a blanket of stars

 

there was only

the continued slow

unraveling of her soul

of her psyche

laid bare

for no one to see

 

she realized

that she was

becoming the silence

her very being

melting into the

fabric of the night

 

soon there would be

nothing left of her

except a ghostly

scent of lavender

the memory of piercing

anguish

and lovely poems

upon a shelf

 

photo credit: Scott Sawyer

 

 

dissociation

my mask labeled

functioning adult

is slipping today

i keep putting

it back in place

and it stays for a little while

before it slides down again

like ill-fitting glasses

or a hat that’s too big

revealing all the brokenness

beneath

all the vulnerability

i try to hide

 

i watch myself

having normal

conversations with

co-workers

as though i am across

the room

maybe i should get

some popcorn to eat

while i enjoy this show called

dissociation

 

i make work related

phone calls

ask intelligent questions

answer emails

even write a consent

type words of thanks and

encouragement

as if everything

is okay

like i’m okay

trying with various

degrees of success to

ignore the screaming vortex

that is inside me

maybe is me

 

i even start to reach out a

a few times

to ask for. . .

 

i don’t know what

 

someone to hold up a mirror

and show me i’m still human?

remind me that someone they

used to care about held this shape?

took up this space?

 

i feel boneless

as if I have lost all structural integrity

is there a mold out there of me

that i can pour myself

into until my atoms settle?

because right now

i am drifting apart

a million small particles of

matter lost in the breeze

You Woke the Dragon

Let there be dragons!

musings of a gypsy heart

You woke the dragon inside of me. It was coiled around my heart, content to lay within the confines of my ribs and sleep in peace. It woke from the smell of fear that filled its nostrils and the sound of crying in its ears. It was content to sleep. The scales shimmered in the light of the love that I keep and it was content to sleep knowing it was not needed.

So do not be surprised when you hear me roar. Do not ask me to be quiet when you have woken the dragon in me. The dragon will protect that which it was meant to keep and it will breathe fire on all its enemies, attempting to lay waste on anything that seeks to harm what is precious to me, who is precious to me.

We are women. We are the life bringers. We are the sacred…

View original post 339 more words

The Separation of a Six Year Old

Brilliance from Georgia Park

I am a poet! I am. I am. I am a poet, I reaffirmed, ashamed.

A six year old was separated
from his mother for hours
in question of his immigration status

JK Rowling is saying
that Voldemort was never so horrible
Athiests are quoting the bible
Starbucks is saying, eh, on second thought,
money’s really not that important

and we are all that six year old
for the last few days

id love to get to the part
where we can cling to our mother again

View original post

Triggered

triggered

pain in chest

tears rolling

down cheeks

before I even

realize I am crying

want to curl up

under the desk in a

tight ball

cover my head

watch out for falling

debris

 

triggered

snow ball

rolling down

a mountain

picking up speed

growing bigger

and bigger

by the moment

rocky ravine ahead

looks like I’m going to

crash

 

triggered

nerves jangling

hypervigilant

trying to calm my

breathing

go to a quieter

safer place in my head

grateful to be alone

scared to be alone

don’t know how

not to be alone

hate feeling alone

 

triggered

fractured  images

in a mirror

distorted perceptions

no longer know

what I look like

can’t bear to see the

reflection in the

camera lens

can’t tolerate the

objective proof

that I have come undone

Echo Chambers

voices from my past

spoke yesterday

your voice

the loudest

out of no where

to call me out

full of anger

full of bitterness

 

should I engage?

we exist on opposite

ends of a very long continuum

so clear that we will

not change each

others’minds

more disturbing is

that there is clearly no

changing of your heart

which seems

singularly lacking in

compassion

on this issue

 

i am reminded

that my first responsibility

is to be my child’s

staunchest advocate

at best i worry

that you teach your sons

to pity mine

(although I doubt you would

show him the respect

of calling him my son)

at worst i fear

that you teach your sons

that it is acceptable

to queer bash mine

 

i say my gentle peace

apologize to others

dragged into the fray

and respectfully

disengage from this

pointless debate

i am sorry that you

are still hurt

but you have reminded me

quite clearly

why I unfriended you

in the first place

lesson learned

Haven

we are often just ships

passing by

during the frenetic work week

our sleep/wake cycles

not in sync

ruminating silently in the night hours

over our own individual worries

our daytime communication

focused on the logistics

of teenagers, bills, elderly dog

laundry, menu planning, the leaking sink

the busyness

forcing us to interact as

business partners

 

lazy saturday afternoon

the house is empty, quiet

except for the not so gentle snoring

of the dog we affectionately

call “darth jagger”

who can never bear

to be parted from you

his beloved alpha

 

this is when we

slip out of time

slip out of space

slip out of  heavy

grown up roles

thrust onto us by the world

and the relentless marching

of time

 

it is in these weightless

formless hours

my head upon your shoulder

my hand resting gently

on your heart

your warm skin

pressed against

my warm skin

that I am most grounded

 

we are liquid warmth

quiet breath

our inhales

and exhales gradually

syncing

floating thoughts

thin line between

dozing and waking

 

i love the joining

of our bodies

in rising tide

but it is in this sacred

space of after

where the true meaning

of intimacy

reveals itself

 

a featherbed

of trust

safety

sensuous pleasure

 

welcome comfort

from a world

that increasing is chaotic

frightening

reshaping itself at

light speed

into something I no longer recognize

 

i am so grateful

that you welcome me

time and time again

into the circle

of your embrace

and offer me

this escape

this haven

for these precious hours

where we are renewed