braveandrecklessblog

Badass Bitch

her losses stacked up like

firewood gathered for a

long cold winter on the front porch

death and abandonment so

prevalent it deserved it’s own theme song

in the soundtrack of her life

 

there had been those who had touched her

against her will out of sexual perversion

or perhaps out of sadism

did it really matter which?

who had enjoyed watching her powerlessness

had enjoyed watching her squirm

had enjoyed hurting and humiliating her

when she was young and unable to protect herself

with fast feet, camouflage or razor tongue,

her bubbling rage ready to explode, to incinerate

 

tumultuous long-term relationship

with an alcoholic and drug addict

because she thrived in the chaos

knew what was expected of her there

she didn’t know what to do when the waters

were calm, quiet

always waiting for the other shoe to drop

for the disaster lurking around the corner to return

to catch her unaware

 

there had been tear-filled heartbreak

nights spent playing melissa etheridge

over and over on dark porches

chest ripped open

bleeding heart exposed to chill air

pain oozing out of her pores

 

episodes of depression

of anxiety

mood swings so extreme

that her will to survive

thinned out, became tenuous

long nights spent

contemplating how easy it would

be to walk out that 13th floor window and

fall

 

parental guilt that was breathtaking

as she struggled endlessly

not to become either of her damaged parents

no blueprint for how to do this well

how to do this right

trying to inhabit the middle

rather than on the edge, an extreme

trying to break generational patterns

not repeat the legacies she had been handed

 

years spent developing the fine art

of psychic self-harm

learning to inflict the pain faster

harder, deeper

than life ever could

helping her maintain an illusion of control

reassuring herself that she was strong, stoic

up to the task of survival

 

no, life had not always been easy

or kind to her

but she does not want or need your pity

there is no room for pity

in this game of survival

where the stakes are quite literally

sanity or madness

life or death

 

remember that she is a badass bitch

that fight courses through her veins

that her heartbeat whispers survival

that she breathes fire

and she has only just begun

slaying demons

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28 thoughts on “Badass Bitch”

    1. Thank you Candice! I should be working right now but I can see that you have these luscious new pieces up that I would rather read. Must be a grown up but I will look forward to falling into them this weekend. Let me know if you would ever be interested in writing a collaborate piece. I have been doing some co-writing with some of the other Sudden Denouement writers and your stuff turns me on in the same way. Let’s call it a writer’s crush.

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