dissociation

my mask labeled

functioning adult

is slipping today

i keep putting

it back in place

and it stays for a little while

before it slides down again

like ill-fitting glasses

or a hat that’s too big

revealing all the brokenness

beneath

all the vulnerability

i try to hide

 

i watch myself

having normal

conversations with

co-workers

as though i am across

the room

maybe i should get

some popcorn to eat

while i enjoy this show called

dissociation

 

i make work related

phone calls

ask intelligent questions

answer emails

even write a consent

type words of thanks and

encouragement

as if everything

is okay

like i’m okay

trying with various

degrees of success to

ignore the screaming vortex

that is inside me

maybe is me

 

i even start to reach out a

a few times

to ask for. . .

 

i don’t know what

 

someone to hold up a mirror

and show me i’m still human?

remind me that someone they

used to care about held this shape?

took up this space?

 

i feel boneless

as if I have lost all structural integrity

is there a mold out there of me

that i can pour myself

into until my atoms settle?

because right now

i am drifting apart

a million small particles of

matter lost in the breeze

22 thoughts on “dissociation

  1. “maybe i should get
    some popcorn to eat
    while i enjoy this show called
    dissociation”

    Such brilliant lines.
    That cynicism tied in with the profound yet self-perceived dislocation within the piece is unsettling yet, in an oddly comfortable way, relatable.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You feel anxious, like you’re going to explode. You say ‘how are you’ and ‘the weather is so and so’ but what you really want to do is throw your chair through your window and get in your car and drive 400 miles in a random direction and get out and see something beautiful.

    I feel like that a lot lately. I believe it will get better. Somehow. I guess what I’m saying is that I completely identified with your beautiful and vulnerable poem.

    Like

      1. If that’s true, then I’m sorry. I have felt like this lately, and it’s exhausting. You should take care of you. If you need to talk or vent or just trade silly videos, send me an email or something.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Excellent description! You capture it so well. I’ve dealt with dissociation in the past. Mostly derealization, but sometimes also depersonalization. I just wrote about it the other day in my blog. I included some of the grounding techniques that have helped me. Have you found anything helps you stay in the now and feel firmly on the ground?

    Liked by 1 person

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