Gravity (Tales from the PTSD Files)

Another Saturday, another migraine

Another two plus hour nap

Trying to sleep off said migraine

This is becoming a familiar and unwelcome routine

But it is my first migraine since last Sunday

So maybe the Mindfulness Meditation techniques

I am learning are actually helpful

 

I have been experimenting with different guided

Meditation videos from YouTube

My favorite is a profanity-laden guided meditation

Sent me by another WordPress writer (who shall remain nameless)

But it gives me such a case of the giggles

That I cannot concentrate on my breathing

 

A second one is tailored just for migraine and features

The voice of an Australian man that I am starting to develop

Erotic fantasies about

With a voice that sexy, he has got to be good in bed

But every time he talks about letting the tension in my head and

Neck dissolve and drain away into the ground

I picture it becoming water running down my body

And I need to pee (sucks to be 50)

 

The third is a whole body check in

I am a little leery of this one

It tends to provoke some defensive and protective

Feelings when I need to check in with the core of my body

Like my hips, and my belly and my chest

I am tempted to literally cover these areas with my hands

 

I have discovered that an unexpected side effect

Of practicing mindfulness meditation

Is that I can no longer slip easily into the

(dissociative) day dreams that I enjoy when I am commuting

Or that calm me when I am stressed

Or help me get back to sleep when I am in insomnic (nightly)

I had not realized how much I relied on being able to go away in my mind

To cope with the stressors of my life

But I digress

 

I was IMing with a friend after this morning’s nap

And in a sudden flash recall that CB

Had actually brought up two themes from our previous session

This past Tuesday while referring to her dog-eared legal pad

The first, of course, was “I am attuned to pain”

The second was “I forget I have gravity”

(gravity was her word, not mine, I suspect I used “impact”)

As in, I forget that my words/thoughts/actions/very existence

Impacts anyone else

Because I feel so thin/transparent/invisible/unworthy/unlovable

Hmmmm.

Let’s sit with that one for a minute

19 thoughts on “Gravity (Tales from the PTSD Files)

  1. Christine, this is so interesting. And relatable. What you say about wanting to protect your core with your hands…I’ve had this experience with alternative medicine (I am a huge fan), when I was on a particular Bach Flower Remedy. I didn’t realise until then, how I slumped over to protect my heart, and as the remedy took effect, I found myself involuntarily straightening up and my chest felt so incredibly vulnerable and exposed, but it was liberating as well. The self awareness at that moment was overwhelming. It also released a lot of pain. I’m glad I was alone at the time! But now I’m acutely aware of the way I protect myself.
    And that last bit you wrote, I’m sad you feel that way.
    🌼🌸
    I’ve struggled with that too, so much. I don’t have kids, but I’ve worked with them and it was such a great experience, in that I learned that I wasn’t invisible…(oh my gosh, there were times I wish I were, though lol. Very sobering!)
    I hope you do take time to see the way you impact the people in your life! ❤

    Like

  2. 😃😅😄 I love this! So, true! How our mind still rambles in silence … At least you have a seductive voice to listen to – but then I don’t think much concentration can done of that either …at least I couldn’t 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thinking about gravity/impact and the way in which our inside views and others’ perceptions don’t match. You do have gravity/impact. You’ve been impacting (off and on) for 30 years or more. I don’t comment on every piece you post – but they matter. You matter. Your words and your impact matter. I’m blessed by you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Fran that is an incredibly kind thing to say. It is hard to maintain perspective when I am so in my head trying to decide what to let go of and what to hold on to. It all feels like sand running through my hands or as though I am just sand running through hands.

      Like

  4. This sounds like a lot to have done in pursuit of relaxation. I think humor is literally the best medicine, laughter and mirth.

    So I prescribe that you watch the one-hour plus compilation of Whose Line Is It Anyway – Scenes From A Hat. It’s hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Migraines are difficult to navigate, but sometimes laughter can override pain. There’s another thing that can sometimes override pain, but I’m too much of a gentleman to mention it. (Hint: sex)

        Liked by 1 person

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