Fairytale (Revisited)

The assignment given

Was to write my own narrative

Tell my life story

“Start anywhere

But treat yourself

With compassion”

The once upon a time

Part is simple

Flows easily

“I was born in Corona, California

on Tuesday, March 1st. . . “

 

The self-compassion

Is where I trip

Stutter to a stop

Feel unsure

Lose my footing

Slide in the gravel

Compassion for myself

Is an emotion

I have never felt

I can afford

 

It somehow

Has always felt important

To hit myself harder

Than the world ever could

That in some twisted way

Living through this self-abuse

Could become its own insulation

A form of armor

A test that I am

Tough enough

Fierce enough

To survive

 

Like standing

In the back bed

Of a red 1973 pick-up truck

Driving 90 miles an hour

On twisty, icy, country roads

Screaming “I dare you to top that one life!”

 

A giant game of chicken

A game of Dare

Always able to cut myself

A little deeper

A little bloodier

Than life could

Self-harm is not always

Carved on the skin

 

The DNA of a mentally ill

Drug addicted father

A distant, withdrawn mother

Who had had to choose between

Daughter and husband

Makes up my genetic inheritance

 

Makes up

My emotional baggage

I have always had

The nagging feeling

That my mother regretted

Choosing me

 

My whole life spent

Trying not to be the monster

I am worried that

I am destined to become

Can I muster compassion

For the beast within?

 

The one with three heads

Jagged teeth

Razor sharp scales

Nine inch talons

Breathes fire

And burns villages

To the ground. . .?

 

8 thoughts on “Fairytale (Revisited)

  1. I can sympathize, but not empathize with you…that would be my wife’s job. Your words resonate with hers. It’s easier to hurt yourself; at least you know what to expect; not caught off-guard; know what you can withstand….
    All I can do is hug you and hold you.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s