Sundowning (Revisited)

my days

have become

hour glass shaped

i rise

early morning hours

sit in front

of my screen

in quiet stillness

feel alone

in the world

reflective

internal

my thoughts

warm

tumbled

amorphous

as I slowly wake

thick golden syrup

after sleep

this is when I write

 

food

caffeine

percolates

through my veins

brings world into focus

things become narrow

sharper

more goal focused

my wheels turn

a well-oiled machine

i commute

inhabit my day job

a different, sharper

me

answer

phones

emails

questions

tend to other’s

needs

demands

 

the unwinding

unraveling

starts on

the way home

i ooze out

of the corset stays

that have

contained me

all day

simply longing

to shrug off

workdays concerns

i have not been

able to control

the flow

I am

without boundaries

drifting further

and further

deeper and

deeper

into my dark recesses

 

I do not mean

to go to all

the places

where the pain lives

where I only see

failure

inadequacy

where

loneliness

isolation

are daggers

to the heart

a thousand

stinging needles

i can plaster

on a smile

offer what I cannot

give myself

to others

hide

that these evening

and nighttime hours

have become

my personal hell

that I am the devil