This Room is Not for Rent

The Greek chorus has declared me

damaged beyond repair

incapable of a “normal” life

“better off dead” say the well-meaning citizens

than “broken”

preferring the image of the golden haired innocent child angel

comforted by a merciful God

over the living angry woman

who refuses to be silent

I try not to let these voices

rent space in my head

they are destructive tenants

who forfeit their security deposit

scrawl graffiti in red lipstick on my walls

dirty

shameful

Lolita

guilty

complicit

whore

bitch

I try not to buy into the vitriol

when they imply that my life has no meaning

that I am an abomination

a red, raw, bleeding thing they deem too unseemly to look at

unfit for polite society

“Fuck You!” I want to shout at the top of my lungs with my hands covering my ears

Some days it is hard to find the armor of my rage

when I am just so god damned tired

of having to prove over and over again

that I am worthy of continued existence

that I deserve to walk this earth

breathe the oxygen

as if I am the one who must continue to do penance

for other’s sins

 

© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved

 

20 thoughts on “This Room is Not for Rent

    1. Thanks OP. This is a response piece to WordPress blog that has been whispering ugliness in my ear all week. Someone posed the question of whether child molesters were “worse” than child murders. I was stunned at how many people responded that they thought that it would more merciful for a sexually abused child to be killed by their abuser than to live with the legacy. I did respond, as politely and respectfully as I could, to the piece and the comments directly but it has really been eating at me and I needed to work through some of these feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Intellectually I know its bullshit. Emotionally, it was like a punch in the gut to discover that other WordPress bloggers insinuate that children who had been sexually abused would be better off dead. That their family’s would be better off if they were dead. People actually wrote that. Here. It has been a surprisingly hard chorus to turn off in my head.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This brought tears out of my eyes! I literally felt like I was the paper and you were writing on me. Engraving your words into my fucking soul.. whether I want them there or not. Phenomenal ❤️ i’m just starting out. And. Your setting the tone!!! Thank you!

    Like

    1. Welcome to WordPress. I spent a lot of years being silent for other people’s comfort. I don’t do that anymore. I have a voice, I use it. Nothing touches me more deeply than knowing that something I wrote resonated for someone else, made them feel less alone. I look forward to reading you and hope you stop by often. You’re among friends.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much love. I am a 27 year old breast cancer survivor… a family that abandoned me and came back when it was convenient. I got a lot to say! I’ll check in often! Your my first follower!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have a friend who lived through breast cancer in her 20’s– very traumatic even with family support.
        When I try to visit your blog it tells me that you have deleted your site. When it is up and running, post a link and I will stop by.

        Like

      3. That’s odd!! I didn’t. I’m so new lol

        Bold, Beat… &Nipless – A hard day for you is probably something basic like an angry email from some fat ass prick who needs to feel important… But my hard day is more like… how can i put this… you see… I am the one who picks his fat ass up when he eats a bullet… we are not the same…
        https://boldbeatandnipless.wordpress.com/

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Its a widget that you can add . 1) go to your home page 2) click customize on the bottom right hand side of your screen This will open a side menu on the left side of your screen 3) click widgets Depending on your template, you may only have one choice or you may have multiple choices 4) If you have more than one options click where you want the text to show up (I only have a footer in my current template) 5) Select +Add a Widget 6) Select +Follow Blog 6) You may need to select Close 7) Hit Save and Publish This works for any widget you would like to add

        Liked by 1 person

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