I am lost in the dark.

Everything was going well for me and then life happened (as it invariably does) and any bright star went out. My dad called me today to talk about where I’m at. He said “You used to have a plan, you wanted to do things. What happened?”. You can come home, he said. But that seems like taking a step back. Although home is my happy place, there is no future and no people for me there.  I send a text to my mother. “I’m lost, I don’t know what to do”. I sit on my balcony and cry, knowing this isn’t the answer to any of my problems. Sometimes you just need to cry.

I don’t know what happened. My world just stopped turning and now I’m here. Trapped in the dark. I still want to do things, I said, I still have aspirations and places to go. But I don’t know how to get there right now. I have always been working, studying, travelling, balancing and everything just worked. When that steady rotation of my world suddenly stopped, everything went crashing down.

I used to hold the moon in my hands. But he is gone now. I never had him to begin with but now he’s really gone. He is the only man I’ve ever loved and he  didn’t love me back. I can’t express how much that hurts; to want to give everything to someone and have it disappear. Does he think of me? Every day is like the one before. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to go out. He won’t be there when I come back. I can’t go and get roaring drunk on the weekend because I can’t call at 3 in the morning for him to be there. I made him the moon when he were a comet. He helped the darkness disperse. Without my moon there is no gravity pulling the tides in and out. There is nothing to turn my face up to in the night sky.

This is a crossroads. one way leads to nothing. It leads into the darkness with no way out. It would be easy to take that road. There are no obstacles, nothing to stop me from going there. But there is no light. Down the other path is where my dreams are. It’s littered with broken trees and cobwebs and streams to cross and shadows of darkness. But it is lit with the light of 1000 stars.

Right now, nothing is happening, I’m not moving. I am stuck, wandering the dark in circles.

The Misfit Muse writes at Misfit Musings