I sit with myself
In uncomfortable silence
My suppressed screams
Ringing in my ears
Tears running down my face
Again
All my demons
All my insecurities
Have come out to play today
Mocking me with their laughter
Taunting voices
Sing-song in my head
Shit mother
Shit wife
Shit niece
Shit cousin
Shit friend
Shit human being
Over and over
An endless loop
Of recrimination
On days like this
I can’t even remember who
I am anymore
I don’t know
What is mine to claim
I am no one
I am pain
I read an essay right before Christmas
Calling for compassion
For those “poor unfortunate souls”
Who are depressed over the holidays
Who engage in self-harm
Who contemplate suicide
The author referred to them as “damaged”
My hackles went up
“Only I get to call me damaged, lady,”
I wanted to angrily respond
Only I get to define the frantic dance
My neural synapses have been engaged in
For the last year
No one else gets to name
My crazy for me
No one gets to pity me
Not even me
Especially not me
If there are awards given out
For running on sheer will
And stubbornness this past year
I should at least
Be on the nomination list
Look for my name under
Depression
Bipolar Disorder
PTSD
And
I’m still breathing
© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved
Brave & Reckless 
Keep up the good fight. Standing against the negative talk helps prevent it from defining you.
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Thank you.
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Ptsd is so freaking hard. Thinking of you. I hear you!
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Thank you. It is a war that waxes and wanes in intensity but is never really over.
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Very true. When it comes on for me it comes on hard. Then it just lingers in the background and is never really gone. But i do get times, hours, moments of peace fortunately. It just takes a lot of work.
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It is a lifelong battle with our own neurochemistry– sometimes we live in times of peace, others are times of combat
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I so understand this.
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I’m glad for connection and sad for your struggle
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Yes, I feel that too
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❤
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I just wanted to assure you that you are not alone. I know this place you’re in now, and I know we can fight our way out.
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I have found a wonderful support system here and try to write as openly and honestly about depression as I can. I think it is so important
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Keep on fighting. You are one brave lady.
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Thank you DeanJean. I wrote this over the holidays when my depression was its worst. I am hoping that helps others.
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There is so much beauty in pain keep fighting and turn your pain into beauty
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I certainly try
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This is amazing!
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Thank you so much!
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