my days have become

hourglass shaped

i rise

early morning hours

sit in front of my screen

in quiet stillness

feel alone in the world

reflective

internal

my thoughts warm

tumbled

amorphous

as I slowly wake

thick golden syrup after sleep

this is when I write

 

food

caffeine

percolates through my veins

brings world into focus

things become narrow

sharper

more goal focused

my wheels turn

a well-oiled machine

i commute

inhabit my day job

a different, sharper me

answer phones

emails

questions

tend to other’s needs

demands

 

the unwinding

unraveling

starts on the way home

i ooze out of the corset stays

that have contained me all day

simply longing to shrug off

workdays concerns

i have not been able to control the flow

I am without boundaries

drifting further

and further

deeper and deeper

into my dark recesses

 

I do not mean to go

to all the places

where the pain lives

where I only see failure

inadequacy

where loneliness

isolation

are daggers to the heart

a thousand stinging needles

i can plaster on a smile

offer what I cannot give myself

to others

hide that these evening

and nighttime hours

have become my personal hell

that I am the devil

 

© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved