Dissociation (revisited)

the well crafted mask labeled “functioning adult”

that I wear to work

is slipping today

i keep putting it back in place

it stays for a little while

before sliding down again

like ill-fitting glasses

or hat that’s a size too big

revealing the cracked surface

beneath the latex

all the vulnerability

i try to hide


i watch myself

having normal conversations with

my co-workers

as though i am across

the room

maybe i should get

some popcorn to eat

while i enjoy this show



i make work related

phone calls

ask intelligent questions

answer emails

even write an informed consent for research

type words of thanks and encouragement

as if everything

is okay

like i’m okay

trying with various degrees of success to

ignore the screaming vortex

that is inside me


i even start to reach out a

a few times

to ask for. . .


i don’t know what.


someone to hold up a mirror

and show me i’m still human?

remind me that someone they

used to care about held this shape?

took up this space?


i feel boneless

as if I have lost all structural integrity

is there a mold out there of me

that i can pour myself

into until my atoms settle?

right now i am drifting apart

a million small particles of

matter floating in the afternoon light


© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved




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