Gravity/Tales from the PTSD Files (revisited)

Another Saturday

another migraine

another two hour nap

trying to sleep it off

This is becoming a familiar and unwelcome routine

but it is my first migraine in a week

maybe the Mindfulness Meditation techniques

are actually helpful

 

I have been experimenting with different guided

meditations on YouTube

My favorite is a profanity-laden mindfulness exercise

sent to me by my friend Vanessa

but it gives me such a case of the giggles

that I cannot concentrate on my breathing

 

A second is tailored just for migraine and features the voice of an

Australian man that I am starting to develop erotic fantasies about

with a voice that sexy

he has got to be good in bed

but every time he talks about letting the tension in the head and neck

dissolve and drain away into the ground

I picture it becoming water running down my body and then I need to pee

(sucks to be over 50)

 

The third is a whole body check in that I am leery of

it provokes defensive and protective feelings in me

during the check in with the core of my body

I am tempted to literally cover my

hips

belly

chest

with my hands while listening to it

 

I have discovered that an unexpected side effect

of practicing mindfulness meditation

is that I can no longer slip easily into the

(dissociative) day dreams that I enjoy when I am commuting

that calm me when I am stressed

help me get back to sleep when I am in insomnic (nightly)

I had not realized how much I relied on being able to go away in my mind

to cope with the stressors of my life

 

After this morning’s nap

I had sudden flash of memory that CB had actually brought up two themes

from our previous session

while referring to her dog-eared legal pad

The first

“I am attuned to pain”

The second

“I forget I have gravity”

(“gravity” was her word, not mine. i am sure that i used “impact”)

 

That is:

I forget that my

words

thoughts

actions

very existence

impacts anyone else

 

Because I feel so

thin

transparent

invisible

unworthy

unlovable

Hmmmm. . .

let’s sit with that one for a minute

 

© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved

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