Anatomy of a Flashback

I come back to myself this morning
find that I am staring at the wallpaper
unconsciously tracing geometric patterns with my fingertip
over and over
I am not the strong blue lines that intersect
I am the empty white spaces in the center of the hexagons
I am the void
The memory is an old one
I am 16? 17? 18?
deeply asleep in my bedroom, my sanctuary
someone is touching me
caressing my body
kissing my mouth
I cannot open my eyes
I cannot move at all
I fight against the sleep that is holding me in a vice grip
panicked
trying to rouse myself
as I am being touched without my consent
Turns out that it is my girlfriend trying to wake me up from a deep sleep
not wanting to shake me violently
She has already tried calling my name
shaking my shoulder
In a moment of Sleeping Beauty romanticism
she has decided to wake me with a kiss
not realizing how it would panic me
trigger me
because I rarely speak of such things
As I reclined yesterday full of needles
this memory returns in all its technical glory
The sensations on my skin
my mouth
my helplessness
my panic
at being unable to shake off sleep
unable to set boundaries
unable to stop this invasion of my body
I remind myself over and over again
That I am safe now
I am safe
As I calm my breathing, and fight or flight receeds
a knowledge with remarkable clarity
a knowledge with a crystal clear ring of truth rises up from the pensieve of memory
I suddenly understand why I was so upset with my girlfriend that long ago day
A truth my psyche had been blocking unfolds
This was not the first time that this had happened to me
This was not the first invasion staged while I slept

© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved

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