Sundowning

my days have become
hourglass-shaped
I rise
early morning hours
sit in front of my screen
in quiet stillness
feel alone in the world
reflective
internal
my thoughts warm
tumbled
amorphous
as I slowly wake
thick golden syrup after sleep
food
caffeine
percolates through my veins
brings world into focus
things become narrow
sharper
my wheels turn
a well-oiled machine
I commute
inhabit my day job
a different me
answer phones
emails
questions
tend to other’s needs
demands
the unwinding
unraveling
starts on the way home
I ooze out of the corset stays
that have contained me
simply longing to shrug off
workdays concerns
I no longer can
control the flow
I am without boundaries
drifting further
and further
deeper and deeper
into my dark recesses
I do not mean to go
to all the places
where the pain lives
where I only see failure
inadequacy
where loneliness
isolation
are daggers to the heart
a thousand stinging needles
I can plaster on a smile
offer what I cannot give myself
to others
hide that these evening
and nighttime hours
have become my personal hell
that I am the devil