Survivor’s Guilt

time is slipping away from me
minutes
hours
lost
not complete blanks
but blurs
periods of fuzzy memory
gaps that I can’t quite fill
my therapist brain dispassionately
tells me
that I have been dissociating again
disappearing from my own life
my grip on myself
on reality
increasingly tenuous
part of me is deeply concerned
part of me is professionally fascinated
wants to keep case notes
as I disintegrate
the past is breathing down my neck
like a shadowy beast with foul breath
its acid saliva
dripping down
my bare shoulder
burning my skin
refusing to be ignored
no intention
of going back into the lock box
as I unravel
I do what I do best
I talk around what is
consuming my thoughts
take a bubble bath
in my self-hatred
turning the water pink
blaming myself
hating myself
is so much easier for me to swallow
than the helplessness
the vulnerability

© 2017 Revised 2019 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved

 

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