An honest poem about PNA* – Aj Mac

What happens when
A baby is born
But a mother’s love is not
The juxtaposition of sunlight and shadow
Is as distinct as day and night
There is no balance between the two
The transformation is extreme
There is no easing into motherhood
No gentle learning curve
Like a fairground roller coaster
Pregnancy is the slow ascent to the top
And as soon as those tiny lungs fill with air
And pitch their first shock filled cries
You head downwards at neck-breaking speed
And just like a rollercoaster you either love it and revel in the thrills
Or you scream at the overwhelming terror as you
Plunge towards the ground
Only, like a rollercoaster, you can’t just get off mid ride
You’re trapped with this fear
Rising and falling
Rising and plunging
Towards what feels like
Never-ending relentless doom
For those who hate rollercoasters
It’s hard to explain to others
The desperate need to retreat
Into a room of one’s own
Away from the thrill of parenting
Paralyzing fear halts all other emotions
Love can’t creep into a frozen heart
Petrified in stone
You try to reach out to people you trust
To get you off this ride
But you are reminded that others have it worse
They ride broken rollercoasters and yours is fine
You are told
‘keep calm and carry on’
When what you really want to shout is
‘i need a hug’
Someone to hold you while you navigate your way
Through the guilt you feel
For not enjoying the ride


*Postnatal Anxiety

You can read more of Aj’s writing on Instagram

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