loss stacked up

like firewood gathered for a long cold winter on the front porch

death and abandonment so frequent

that loss deserved it’s own theme song in the soundtrack of her life

 

there had been those who had touched her

against her will out of sexual perversion

or perhaps out of sadism

did it really matter which?

who had enjoyed watching her powerlessness

had enjoyed watching her squirm

had enjoyed hurting and humiliating her

when she was young and unable to protect herself

with fast feet, camouflage or razor tongue,

her bubbling rage ready to explode

to incinerate

 

tumultuous long-term relationship

with an alcoholic and drug addict

because she thrived in the chaos

knew what was expected of her there

she didn’t know what to do when the waters were calm, quiet

always waiting for the other shoe to drop

for the disaster lurking around the corner to happen

to catch her unaware

 

there had been tear-filled heartbreak nights

spent playing melissa etheridge

over and over on dark porches

chest ripped open

bleeding heart exposed to chill air

pain oozing out of her pores

 

episodes of depression

of anxiety

mood swings so extreme

that her will to survive

thinned out

became tenuous

long nights spent contemplating

how easy it would be to walk out that 13^th floor window and just fall

 

parental guilt that was breathtaking

as she struggled

not to become either of her damaged parents

no blueprint for how to do this well

how to do this right

trying to inhabit the middle

rather than the edges

trying to break generational patterns

not repeat the legacies she had inherited

 

years spent developing the fine art

of psychic self-harm

learning to inflict pain

faster

harder

deeper

than life ever could

helping her maintain the illusion of control

reassuring herself that she was

strong

stoic

up to the task of survival

 

life had not always been easy

or kind to her

but she does not want

need

your pity

there is no room for pity

in this game of survival

where the stakes are quite literally

sanity or madness

life or death

 

remember that she is a badass bitch

that fight courses through her veins

that her heartbeat whispers survival

that she breathes fire

and she has only just begun

slaying demons

 

© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All rights Reserved