I sit with myself
in uncomfortable silence
suppressed screams
ringing in my ears
tears running down my face
again
All my demons
all my insecurities
have come out to play today
mocking me with laughter
taunting voices
sing-song in my head
Shit mother
Shit wife
Shit niece
Shit cousin
Shit friend
Shit human being
over and over
an endless loop
of recrimination
on days like this
I can’t even remember who
I am anymore
I don’t know
what is mine to claim
I am no one
I am pain
I read an essay right before Christmas
calling for compassion
for those “poor unfortunate souls”
who are depressed over the holidays
who engage in self-harm
who contemplate suicide
the author referred to them as “damaged”
my hackles went up
“Only I get to call me damaged, lady,”
I wanted to angrily respond
only I get to define the frantic dance
my neural synapses engage in
no one else gets to name
my crazy for me
no one gets to pity me
not even me
especially not me
if there are awards given out annually
for running on sheer will
stubbornness
I should at least make
the nomination list
look for my name under
Depression
Bipolar Disorder
PTSD
and
I’m still breathing
© 2017 Christine Elizabeth Ray – All Rights Reserved
Brave & Reckless 
ok…and superior
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
Still breathing, and the voice that come with that breath – YES!
LikeLike
Thank you Bob- I often think about having “I’m still breathing” tattooed on my forearm
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
Christine Ray – Who gets to define brokenness?
LikeLike
the finest poem
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
Dearest Christine, I love every word of this, every line is a gem! I imagine most people can relate to your poem on some level, yet my favorite line is, “no one else gets to name / my crazy for me”. Exceptional piece, thank you, really perfect for a Sunday afternoon. Please enjoy the rest of your weekend, and have a terrific week ahead. ~ Mia
LikeLike
Thank you, Mia! I try to write as honestly and openly as I can about living with a mood disorder and PTSD.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice poem 👍
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
There are awards for you, my friend, and your sheer will and stubbornness is what gives many of us strength and inspiration.
LikeLike
<3<3
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤓
LikeLike